Tuesday, March 23, 2010

E-mail from a reader - Thanks, Lucas

I found it comforting.
A lot of betrayed spouses, myself included, go into panic mode when they first discover the Affair. Even if you were only lukewarm about your wayward spouse before discovery day, when it happens, you find yourself gripped with fear that you may lose this person.

It's only natural when you perceive such a threat to panic, fight, beg, negotiate, compromise, even demean yourself in an effort to maintain your marriage.

When the wayward spouse is a cake-eater, fence sitter, or really just on the way out--this period of panic and desperation can go on for a long time.

BUT, there will come a time (maybe when wayward spouse decides to really try to reconcile or the two of you are divorcing) when the panic will subside and you will see clearly. You will see how hurtful and disrespectful your wayward spouse was.

You will see how poorly you were treated and how taken for granted you were. You will begin to get angry.

You will go from "please don't leave me, I'll do anything to make this work" to "how fucking dare you do this to me? who in the hell do you think you are?"

You will see that your wayward spouse -- the cheating, lying wayward spouse -- ain't all that. You will realize that you didn't deserve this. You deserved so much more.

That day is coming. I promise you. It won't come all at once. It will come and go, come and go and then it will become the predominant view: how fucking dare you!

Then you may have decisions to make about whether you can reconcile with wayward spouse after all. I mean once it becomes an option, you may realize that you're too good for this wayward spouse. I mean how can someone like that deserve someone like you?

So maybe you decide to reconcile. Maybe it's beyond reconcile and you move one. Whatever.

The point is that you will not always feel this desperate and needy. You will not always be willing to sell your soul for one more dance with the devil.

The day is coming when you will say: How fucking dare you?

I'm over 18 months from my disclosure day. Who knows if I'll ever reconcile for sure? Some days I could really care less. I mean I've been living separate for 18 months. Maybe I don't want to ever share my bed again. Maybe I'll keep my free time. Or maybe, he'll win me over.

But I'll never beg or plead again. He's the fuck up, not me. He betrayed ME! How fucking dare he.

I have changed my tune. I have come along way from lying in my bed, crying until I vomited, clutching the phone, praying for him to call.

You will change your tune too. You will journey a long way. You will regain control. You will realize that you have been wronged and it is the wayward spouse who should make amends.

The day is coming when you will say, "how fucking dare you."

Seriously, it really is.

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