Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Relationships - I honor a change -

Met with the therapist last week. I have a hard time with therapy because I see myself has having issues with being "genuine". Who am I really?

Am I:

- The caring guy that does the right thing, sets up and appreciates beauty, especially the beauty in nature and that which surrounds us everyday? or

- The "taker" or the guy who seeks to optimize what I get out of everything.

Am I the poet or the shark? I see a bit of both in myself. I don't mean to seem melodramatic, but I'm not really sure I know who I am and that is at the root of everything. I have mentioned before that I am an excellent chameleon, quickly assessing and understanding various situations (personal and professional) and "coloring" myself to fit in.

I am very adept at this skill. Some would say that children of alcoholic parents develop this skill in order to cope with the inconsistency and upheaval in their family life.

So, I ask myself about relationships and I came up with the following "truths" about myself -- areas that I need to change:

- I don't know what a normal relationship is -

I need to realize this fact. I think I have an idea and have clearly tried to do what is necessary in order to "fit in" with what I see others having in their relationships. But, when I ask myself, do I really know? I don't. This ripples through intimate relationships as well as "friend" relationships with men and women and also relationships with employers and other institutions. I volunteer a lot and even my relationships with those organizations can be inappropriate.

- I judge myself and others harshly -

I am amazingly critical. Unfairly so. I love when people fuck up as it gives me a chance to show how superior that I am to their situation. Well -- smarty-pants -- here I sit, broke, alone and lonely at 50. How's that approach working for you?

- I have difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda -

I think I have fun, but I don't really. Weekends frighten the crap out of me -- 48 hours with nothing to do is torture.

- I take myself way too seriously and was overly responsible -

I am so responsible, its sick. I think thats why I like to drink, a chance to be irresponsible.

- I don't like change or know how to deal with it -

I hate change. I completely don't know how to deal. Look at me now. I don't even know where I want to live or what I want to do. What a sad commentary on my life. I feel I have a lot to give, but nobody to give it to...

- I seek approval and affirmations from others but not from myself -

People think I am great. They love me and shower appreciation on me. And why not, I work it every day and I am smart and successful. But, I think I am a piece of crap and unworthy of their affection or attention. Christ, I show up to a job daily where I don't get paid and do a crap-pile of work. Talk about not seeing any value to my life. I'm broke and I fill my life with obligations instead of focusing on what needs to happen. It's freaking tragic.

- I want immediate gratification -

Not so much, but I do need to see results. Sooner is better than later

- I avoid conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it -

Completely true. I take everything so personally that conflict gets elevated to a high level and it becomes all about me and then I get immediately defensive and take it to a new level because I feel personally threatened.

- I fear rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected -

Look at the crap I put up with my marriage. My wife is a lesbian -- hello?? Who did that, me or her? Her, obviously, but I can either accept it or reject it. I am so crazy that I accept it in my relationship and then think its normal and it's what I deserve. That's bullshit. If you asked a 100 men if they would accept being married to a lesbian, you would get 100 "no" answers. Why do I try to make it work? See the "smarty pants" comment above.

- I fear criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others -

Yes and yes.

- I have a lot of misplaced loyalty -

I get treated like crap again and again.

So, some insights and some places to work. What a list.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Dead on Advice (in my experience)

From Bart to a person who just found out:
What you're experiencing is the stages of grief.

They don't march in an order as Kubler-Ross suggested, they come all tumbled together. I hear anger, acceptance, occasional denial and some bargaining.

You're right where you need to be and you need to give yourself time to grieve.

You can't make it go away by forcing yourself into action. It is inevitable and probably necessary that you get some distance from your wife as she is beginning to do from you. It doesn't have to be angry distance but you both need to find separate support for yourselves because you can't lean on each other the way you once did.

I know that right now it seems like the end of the world and in a way it is. Much of the structure of your life is being ripped away and that hurts like hell.

There will be a new world for you and it may be a better one. You'll come to see how hard you've been working to be in love with someone who can't love you back the same way and in time you'll see how nice it is to be with someone who can.

But for now take the time to grieve. Try to focus on your needs as much as you have on your wife's. Find support for yourself here, with friends; a counselor of your own can be helpful.

Be good to yourself.

You'll get through this and we are here for you.

It sure resonates with my experience. I love that he highlighted that "you can't force it away through action" I sure tried that one. With disastrous results.

And, especially "I know that right now it seems like the end of the world and in a way it is. Much of the structure of your life is being ripped away and that hurts like hell."

Man, do I feel that pain. Just like yesterday.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Somewhere, somehow, sometime, someone

I feel as if I am growing a hard shell. I'm isolating and not wishing to be around other people. Its too hard.

Hopefully, someone, somewhere, sometime, will love me, eventually. Someone eventually will genuinely care about my well-being. Someone, eventually, will see me all the way through and love me anyway.

I hope I will still have the courage to let them love me and to love them back.


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Feeling Mighty Low

Christ, this process is draining. I wish that my wife and I were talking (or at least arguing) as it coud be some sign of progress. As it stands now, she's waiting me out, waiting for me to become competely broke.

I have no idea how I'm gonna to make my rent payment (due Monday). Luckily, I'm a bit chubby, so I can stand to not eat for a while!

It really sucks being me right now.

Keep the faith, Baby.