I feel like dying

but no one would care.

James

Humiliation...

Today was awful. I have never been so publicly humiliated as I was by my wife and her lawyer. I cannot believe that she had the sick presence of mind to allow him to say the things that he said about me. I have to remember that she is remaking her past in order to allow her to live her new life. I don't have to buy into it and I am trying not to...

What can I say, I'm disappointed.

I have to remember that she is a sick woman.

James

Day 1

Met the lawyer at 2:00, went through the case information and my settlement proposal. He is (now, finally) very confident that we will do well tomorrow. He also feels that he "really knows the case, now" and understands the numbers. D'oh -- I guess sometimes these dudes need to be hit over the head with a 2x4! I am really disappointed in the legal profession.

Case prep was an hour...I expected two or three.

Haven't had a response from her or her lawyer. Makes me wonder if they even know that there is a meeting tomorrow. That would be rich.

It is cold and RAW -- raining, grey and 34 degrees with a stiff breeze. My skin is loving it, but it is cold!

I rented a nice room on the third floor of an old victorian house. The house where I am is located at the dge of the college, with some dorms and frat houses as neighbors.

Took a blissful nap in the rain and about to walk downtown for an early dinner. I'll try and get in bed early... I feel pretty relaxed and not really worried.

Its just mediation.

Mediation...maybe...

I lost it this weekend -- threw all my toys around the sandbox.

My lawyers have been so slow and are so unprepared for this mediation scheduled for Wednesday that I completely and totally lost it. In my book, mediation means that two parties have tried to come to a reasonable concensus, are unable to do so and are headed to court. As a last ditch effort, they bring in someone to help them get to a common ground.

We have made no demands, have not received any offers and yet are scheduled for mediation? WTF? It sounds to me like a very expensive (4 lawyers at $250/hr means $1,000/hr for lawyers -- 8 hours = $8,000) way of developing a plan.

So, I lost it. I took my wife's settlement idea (communicated to me via IM) that I should take half the equity in the house and go away and countered with my own. She owes me half the marital estate (like the laws say) less what portion I have already (to be fair) as well as half the equity in the home. Seems fair to me -- no kids, etc.

My lawyer is trying to convince me that I should take my equity in the home as well as an amount which will mean that she gets 75% of the marital assets and I get 25%. And she gets the business, keeps the dog, and the 4 BR house and I get to stay in my crappy rental apartment and sleep on the lumpy bed that I bought from the church goodwill.

I don't think so...

So, I wrote it up, 50/50, sent it to all the parties, told them it wasn't from my lawyer and asked if we should meet on Wednesday.

They have two hours to decide.

James (the seemingly aggressive James)

My wife's lawyer

Sucks.

I just had to file a massive statement in response to a fishing expedition asking broad swaths of information from me.

It troubles me as my lwayers haven't asked for 1/10th of what they have asked from us. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I didn't go to Law School; I didn't pass the bar; I'm not a divorce attorney and most importantly -- they are just playing a game between themselves.

Jerks.

Shamanic Healer

I met with a shamanic healer yesterday -- want to cover all the bases. We spent a good session working with energy levels and she had some remarkable insights as to my situation.

- I failed to see what good I had created - My wife had a crazy childhood with lots of instability. The home that we created had lots of stability and was a solid environment for her. In a way, it allowed her to build an emotional base -- sadly one that she then felt strong enough to build her new life upon.

- I needed to let go in a supported environment - it sounds all woo-woo, but she was able to let me see the good that had done and that my allegiances were still pure. It was good for me to hear articulated by another.

We did all the things that you could imagine a native shaman would do - oils, crystals, rattles, drums, feathers, aura cleansing and the like.

I slept well today and will take a salt and clay bath tonight to further detoxify.

Like I said, it all may be woo-woo, but better to leave no stones unturned in dealing with my emotional stability.

James

E-mail from a reader - Thanks, Lucas

I found it comforting.
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A lot of betrayed spouses, myself included, go into panic mode when they first discover the Affair. Even if you were only lukewarm about your wayward spouse before discovery day, when it happens, you find yourself gripped with fear that you may lose this person.

It's only natural when you perceive such a threat to panic, fight, beg, negotiate, compromise, even demean yourself in an effort to maintain your marriage.

When the wayward spouse is a cake-eater, fence sitter, or really just on the way out--this period of panic and desperation can go on for a long time.

BUT, there will come a time (maybe when wayward spouse decides to really try to reconcile or the two of you are divorcing) when the panic will subside and you will see clearly. You will see how hurtful and disrespectful your wayward spouse was.

You will see how poorly you were treated and how taken for granted you were. You will begin to get angry.

You will go from "please don't leave me, I'll do anything to make this work" to "how fucking dare you do this to me? who in the hell do you think you are?"

You will see that your wayward spouse -- the cheating, lying wayward spouse -- ain't all that. You will realize that you didn't deserve this. You deserved so much more.

That day is coming. I promise you. It won't come all at once. It will come and go, come and go and then it will become the predominant view: how fucking dare you!

Then you may have decisions to make about whether you can reconcile with wayward spouse after all. I mean once it becomes an option, you may realize that you're too good for this wayward spouse. I mean how can someone like that deserve someone like you?

So maybe you decide to reconcile. Maybe it's beyond reconcile and you move one. Whatever.

The point is that you will not always feel this desperate and needy. You will not always be willing to sell your soul for one more dance with the devil.

The day is coming when you will say: How fucking dare you?

I'm over 18 months from my disclosure day. Who knows if I'll ever reconcile for sure? Some days I could really care less. I mean I've been living separate for 18 months. Maybe I don't want to ever share my bed again. Maybe I'll keep my free time. Or maybe, he'll win me over.

But I'll never beg or plead again. He's the fuck up, not me. He betrayed ME! How fucking dare he.

I have changed my tune. I have come along way from lying in my bed, crying until I vomited, clutching the phone, praying for him to call.

You will change your tune too. You will journey a long way. You will regain control. You will realize that you have been wronged and it is the wayward spouse who should make amends.

The day is coming when you will say, "how fucking dare you."

Seriously, it really is.