Ongoing

So, I'm considering changing the focus of this blog. I need to shed my skin and get away from the divorce stuff. It's a chapter and it's in the rearview. We need to keep going!

James

Damp Sunday in the Southwest

I want to thank everyone that gave me such powerful encouragement over this awful ordeal. I have become much more grounded in myself and it is a process, not a destination.

Net net, I have gone through a gigantic shift. The divorce was very costly and expensive and I am in a new economic reality. However, I am so much happier and grounded in where I am.

Been doing some exploring and will post again later today about some of those aspects. FemDom (not as much as I would like) BDSM (of course) and some other random kink.

Thanks again -- I love you

James

Lots of changes - it makes me kinda sad....

to read my earlier posts. A year later makes a huge difference.  Been through lots, but the old self-esteem is much higher and I have to say I like it.

Lots to update!

My March 1 resolution is to kickstart this puppy. So, consider it kickstarted!

Here's an update:

Divorce -

Continued messiness. Just when I thought it was all over, it turns out that she has been keeping secrets -- secrets from me, her lawyer and from the courts. She has a business (that I helped to build) and she claims that it doesn't have any value. I worked there -- I know it does!

Her "expert" valuator basically agreed with our expert valuator before the trial as to the worth of the business. That is what they call a "stipulated" value. So, we assumed there was no disagreement and presented that to the judge. In the spirit of surprise, they "changed their mind" before the trial, catching us by suprise. She claimed that the company was now worth 25% of what they originally agreed to.

The judge bought it.

We had asked for a copy of her agreement with her business partner. In it she had a statement of the company's "fair market value". She lied to us, to the court and her own attorney that it didn't exist... of course it did.

So, we get a copy of it (and it's higher than she claimed, natch) and boom -- we're back in court.

Don't lie people. It ALWAYS catches up with you!

Work -

I got a job. That is a "good thing". Paychecks are awesome, but the work is hard.

Love Life -

Non existant. I did a couple of wild things -- went over to Billings on a speed date. Met all kinds of crazy girls, a Dr, teacher, physicist and a social activist. None of 'em liked me which is allright with old James. I ain't ready to put on the spurs quite yet.

Dogs -

Got a new pup. That's a better friend anyhow.

Well, keep your collective chins up. Stay dry and keep warm. I have been plowing the ranch road and every storm makes it narrower. If we don't get warm weather soon, I'll need to get a thinner truck!

James

I want to be optimistic

Need a job and all that.  Being 50 in this market really sucks.

Thinking about moving -- new start and all that.  Any ideas?

Where are all those fine looking women that need a loving man in their life?

November Update

I feel bad for neglecting this outlet. I apologize to those who have written words of support for not responding.  I thank you for reaching out to me.

I was pretty upset by the way that this all came down, the way that it all ended up.  I still am.

So, here is the update in bullets, since June.....

• I drove home for the trial;
• She petitioned the court for a delay;
• It was granted -- to September;
• I drove back home;
• Her attorney went on vacation for all of August;
• They stonewalled us on documents;
• I drove back across country again;
• They delivered a pile of documents two days before trial;
• We went to trial;
• It went badly for me;
• My lawyer was an asshat;
• He begged me to settle for 50% of his firm's worst expectation;
• I gave in and signed the papers;
• I had a long drive back across the country cursing myself.

So that's it.  Its over.

I feel horrible about it, but want to leave it in my past...

Note to self - only date heterosexual women!

Update - We Move to Trial - Slowly

Sorry it has been so long for me to update.

Sadly, there has been no forward movement and the frustration has been really difficult for me to bear, even more so to talk about. I feel as if we are completely out of control of this divorce process. My lawyer assures me that we are calling the tune, but it seems as if we all are on defense, all the time.

I am hemorrhaging money. Job prospects are slim, even for a good guy like myself. I owe $6,000 to the IRS and don't have a cent to my name. I have borrowed $15K from a good friend and my accounts are at zero.

I was told by the State that she is fighting my unemployment benefits on the basis that I "abandoned" my job. Funny, I just happen to have an e-mail from her lawyer firing me effective 12/1 of last year. That allowed me to collect unemployment benefits which I am living on. Hello Ramen Noodles!

Met with my attorney today. They know how weak I am at this time and are attempting to string out the trial so that she can go "on a well deserved vacation". Ridiculous. I drive across country to prepare for this trial and they want a continuance so that she can hit the beach with her girlfriend.

Sadly, that action shows where her sense of priorities are. Vacation time is more important than dealing with this issue. That's how crazy these women get.

Well, keep your collective chins up. Thanks for writing me, I really appreciate the words of encouragement.

James

Mainfesto?

Photo

My Relationships - I honor a change -

Met with the therapist last week. I have a hard time with therapy because I see myself has having issues with being "genuine". Who am I really?

Am I:

- The caring guy that does the right thing, sets up and appreciates beauty, especially the beauty in nature and that which surrounds us everyday? or

- The "taker" or the guy who seeks to optimize what I get out of everything.

Am I the poet or the shark? I see a bit of both in myself. I don't mean to seem melodramatic, but I'm not really sure I know who I am and that is at the root of everything. I have mentioned before that I am an excellent chameleon, quickly assessing and understanding various situations (personal and professional) and "coloring" myself to fit in.

I am very adept at this skill. Some would say that children of alcoholic parents develop this skill in order to cope with the inconsistency and upheaval in their family life.

So, I ask myself about relationships and I came up with the following "truths" about myself -- areas that I need to change:

- I don't know what a normal relationship is -

I need to realize this fact. I think I have an idea and have clearly tried to do what is necessary in order to "fit in" with what I see others having in their relationships. But, when I ask myself, do I really know? I don't. This ripples through intimate relationships as well as "friend" relationships with men and women and also relationships with employers and other institutions. I volunteer a lot and even my relationships with those organizations can be inappropriate.

- I judge myself and others harshly -

I am amazingly critical. Unfairly so. I love when people fuck up as it gives me a chance to show how superior that I am to their situation. Well -- smarty-pants -- here I sit, broke, alone and lonely at 50. How's that approach working for you?

- I have difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda -

I think I have fun, but I don't really. Weekends frighten the crap out of me -- 48 hours with nothing to do is torture.

- I take myself way too seriously and was overly responsible -

I am so responsible, its sick. I think thats why I like to drink, a chance to be irresponsible.

- I don't like change or know how to deal with it -

I hate change. I completely don't know how to deal. Look at me now. I don't even know where I want to live or what I want to do. What a sad commentary on my life. I feel I have a lot to give, but nobody to give it to...

- I seek approval and affirmations from others but not from myself -

People think I am great. They love me and shower appreciation on me. And why not, I work it every day and I am smart and successful. But, I think I am a piece of crap and unworthy of their affection or attention. Christ, I show up to a job daily where I don't get paid and do a crap-pile of work. Talk about not seeing any value to my life. I'm broke and I fill my life with obligations instead of focusing on what needs to happen. It's freaking tragic.

- I want immediate gratification -

Not so much, but I do need to see results. Sooner is better than later

- I avoid conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it -

Completely true. I take everything so personally that conflict gets elevated to a high level and it becomes all about me and then I get immediately defensive and take it to a new level because I feel personally threatened.

- I fear rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected -

Look at the crap I put up with my marriage. My wife is a lesbian -- hello?? Who did that, me or her? Her, obviously, but I can either accept it or reject it. I am so crazy that I accept it in my relationship and then think its normal and it's what I deserve. That's bullshit. If you asked a 100 men if they would accept being married to a lesbian, you would get 100 "no" answers. Why do I try to make it work? See the "smarty pants" comment above.

- I fear criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others -

Yes and yes.

- I have a lot of misplaced loyalty -

I get treated like crap again and again.

So, some insights and some places to work. What a list.

J

Dead on Advice (in my experience)

From Bart to a person who just found out:
--------
What you're experiencing is the stages of grief.

They don't march in an order as Kubler-Ross suggested, they come all tumbled together. I hear anger, acceptance, occasional denial and some bargaining.

You're right where you need to be and you need to give yourself time to grieve.

You can't make it go away by forcing yourself into action. It is inevitable and probably necessary that you get some distance from your wife as she is beginning to do from you. It doesn't have to be angry distance but you both need to find separate support for yourselves because you can't lean on each other the way you once did.

I know that right now it seems like the end of the world and in a way it is. Much of the structure of your life is being ripped away and that hurts like hell.

There will be a new world for you and it may be a better one. You'll come to see how hard you've been working to be in love with someone who can't love you back the same way and in time you'll see how nice it is to be with someone who can.

But for now take the time to grieve. Try to focus on your needs as much as you have on your wife's. Find support for yourself here, with friends; a counselor of your own can be helpful.

Be good to yourself.

You'll get through this and we are here for you.
--------

It sure resonates with my experience. I love that he highlighted that "you can't force it away through action" I sure tried that one. With disastrous results.

And, especially "I know that right now it seems like the end of the world and in a way it is. Much of the structure of your life is being ripped away and that hurts like hell."

Man, do I feel that pain. Just like yesterday.

-J

Somewhere, somehow, sometime, someone

I feel as if I am growing a hard shell. I'm isolating and not wishing to be around other people. Its too hard.

Hopefully, someone, somewhere, sometime, will love me, eventually. Someone eventually will genuinely care about my well-being. Someone, eventually, will see me all the way through and love me anyway.

I hope I will still have the courage to let them love me and to love them back.

-J

Feeling Mighty Low

Christ, this process is draining. I wish that my wife and I were talking (or at least arguing) as it coud be some sign of progress. As it stands now, she's waiting me out, waiting for me to become competely broke.

I have no idea how I'm gonna to make my rent payment (due Monday). Luckily, I'm a bit chubby, so I can stand to not eat for a while!

It really sucks being me right now.

Keep the faith, Baby.

James

Sex? Are you crazy?

Recently, I was approached by an attractive, flirtatious member of the opposite sex. The alarm bells went off in the head and I understood that I had a green light to proceed.

Unfortunately, the very thought of sex (and intimacy) with someone just turns my stomach. I'm not gay, but sheesh, I don't know if I can emotionally handle it.

What is wrong with me? It's been close to three years without intimacy and then when it's all teed up, I can't do it?

Yikes!

Insane in the Membrane

My wife and her lawyer have a great playbook -- it's called Excited -- Not.

They send my guys e-mails asking us to put forth a settlement offer, Once they get it, they sit on it and request additional data. Very tiring.

Off to court we go!

I just received a copy of a photo

My wife's girlfriend posing in the snow with my dog.

I want to puke!

James

Bunny in my yard...

Means that spring is near. I have a single daffodil in a sunny corner, some irises are beginning to show their leaves and tulips are poking through. I still have some snow to melt in my yard, but I am itching to start cleaning this place up and get ready for the green and warmth of spring. It snowed on my way to work yesterday.

Bunny doesn't care about mediation or lawyers.

Bunny is happy that it is getting warmer.

James needs to listen to Bunny.

James

On Being Shafted in Public

So, I have been through the range of emotions since my very public humiliation of last week.

Here are the ways that it went down:

- Scheduled for Mediation last Wednesday with a Mediator

- Issued a Demand Letter on Sunday, establishing our position and why we felt it was fair

- Traveled 2,000 miles to the mediation location, rented a car, hotel, etc. Planned for day of prep, day of mediation and extra day if it went longer than expected. 5 days off work. Hotels, fees, etc.

- Mediator and lawyers for the day were approximately $1,000 hour - 8 hours = $8,000. With travel, $10,000. Lost earnings, $1,000. Lawyer prep 2 @ 4 hours = $2,000. Total cost expected around $13,000, plus day off of work.

- Wife lawyer does not prepare -- No demand, no explanation on Tuesday. Expected Wednesday morning before mediation commences.

- Wednesday, no letter. My lawyer has never seen this situation. and is concerned.

- They arrive at 9:00. Placed in a separate conference room. Lawyers meet with mediator. Her lawyer produces letter which is 4 pages of attacks on my character and really nasty.

- Mediation commences after we read letters.

- We are in different solar systems. They offer 10% of what we are asking to settle case.

- Slight improvement through rounds of negotiation. By noon, they are offering 25% of what we were originally seeking. We are down to 85%.

- Noon, they go to lunch. Her lawyer announces that he has appointment at 3:30 PM and will have to leave at that time. My lawyer can't believe it.

- I can't eat as I am afraid I will puke. 2 diet cokes (not a good idea)

- 3:15, we are at 40% offered. We are down to 75%.

- They leave. We decide not to counter their last offer because we are essentially bidding against ourselves.

- I ask my lawyers if they are upset by this disrespectful behavior. They ask me why I'm not more upset.

- I leave, go back to my hotel and completely lose it. Their behavior, the waste of money, the personal attacks and lack of food are too much.

- After an hour of sobbing, decide to get something to eat. Low blood sugar.

- Have to answer the goddam mobile and explain how it didn't work.

- Embarrassed, ashamed and very, very sad.

Lessons learned:

- Her lawyer is an asshole, but doing a great job. He got me off balance with the personal attacks and his strategy was brilliant -- go for an incredible low settlement number and they look like heros for coming up from the basement. Force us to show our hand first. Do a sneak attack on their offer and don't give us a chance to respond or consider it carefully in advance.

- We take the high road and estimated what the courts would settle out with and that was our opening. We should have taken that number and padded it with some form of giveaway that would make us look good and reconcile about where the courts would end up. Bad strategy. We started where we wanted to finish and offered continuous concessions, ending at approximately 80% of where we expect it to settle at trial.

- I had expectations that this process would be fair and that they wanted it to end. The lawyers are not motivated for that to happen. They are motivated (financially) by dragging this process out as long as possible at $250/hour.

- I had some hope that this would be it and we could go on with our lives. When that did't happen, I was shellshocked and very sad. I did bad "expectation management" on myself and should have considered any possible reconciliation through mediation as an unexpected benefit and not a certainty. Prepare for the worst and be surprised when it doesn't break that way. Don't hope for the best.

- My wife does not care about me or in any way honor our relationship. She wants to get out as cheaply as possible. This is a different person than I expected in the negotiations. I expected that the division of assets would be done with love and respect for the other person and to ensure that we both had a solid foundation form which to grow our respective futures. She wants all the pie and for me to go away with as little as possible.

- I am hopelessly naive.

- Try not to focus on the money. I have spent approximately $20,000 and Wednesday was another $13,000. That is $33,000 and the expectation is that trial prep will be an additional $25,000. That's close to $60,000 and I can only assume that her costs are similar. Assume $100,000 in legal costs which is more than she offered me in terms of the settlement. She would rather pay lawyers than me.

- Never underestimate the mean-ness of lesbians, especially when they are dealing with men.

- Don't forget to eat.

Needless to say, it was a long flight home of licking my wounds. Man, I need a drink.

Why did I ever get married?

James

I feel like dying

but no one would care.

James

Humiliation...

Today was awful. I have never been so publicly humiliated as I was by my wife and her lawyer. I cannot believe that she had the sick presence of mind to allow him to say the things that he said about me. I have to remember that she is remaking her past in order to allow her to live her new life. I don't have to buy into it and I am trying not to...

What can I say, I'm disappointed.

I have to remember that she is a sick woman.

James