I feel like dying

but no one would care.

James

Humiliation...

Today was awful. I have never been so publicly humiliated as I was by my wife and her lawyer. I cannot believe that she had the sick presence of mind to allow him to say the things that he said about me. I have to remember that she is remaking her past in order to allow her to live her new life. I don't have to buy into it and I am trying not to...

What can I say, I'm disappointed.

I have to remember that she is a sick woman.

James

Day 1

Met the lawyer at 2:00, went through the case information and my settlement proposal. He is (now, finally) very confident that we will do well tomorrow. He also feels that he "really knows the case, now" and understands the numbers. D'oh -- I guess sometimes these dudes need to be hit over the head with a 2x4! I am really disappointed in the legal profession.

Case prep was an hour...I expected two or three.

Haven't had a response from her or her lawyer. Makes me wonder if they even know that there is a meeting tomorrow. That would be rich.

It is cold and RAW -- raining, grey and 34 degrees with a stiff breeze. My skin is loving it, but it is cold!

I rented a nice room on the third floor of an old victorian house. The house where I am is located at the dge of the college, with some dorms and frat houses as neighbors.

Took a blissful nap in the rain and about to walk downtown for an early dinner. I'll try and get in bed early... I feel pretty relaxed and not really worried.

Its just mediation.

Mediation...maybe...

I lost it this weekend -- threw all my toys around the sandbox.

My lawyers have been so slow and are so unprepared for this mediation scheduled for Wednesday that I completely and totally lost it. In my book, mediation means that two parties have tried to come to a reasonable concensus, are unable to do so and are headed to court. As a last ditch effort, they bring in someone to help them get to a common ground.

We have made no demands, have not received any offers and yet are scheduled for mediation? WTF? It sounds to me like a very expensive (4 lawyers at $250/hr means $1,000/hr for lawyers -- 8 hours = $8,000) way of developing a plan.

So, I lost it. I took my wife's settlement idea (communicated to me via IM) that I should take half the equity in the house and go away and countered with my own. She owes me half the marital estate (like the laws say) less what portion I have already (to be fair) as well as half the equity in the home. Seems fair to me -- no kids, etc.

My lawyer is trying to convince me that I should take my equity in the home as well as an amount which will mean that she gets 75% of the marital assets and I get 25%. And she gets the business, keeps the dog, and the 4 BR house and I get to stay in my crappy rental apartment and sleep on the lumpy bed that I bought from the church goodwill.

I don't think so...

So, I wrote it up, 50/50, sent it to all the parties, told them it wasn't from my lawyer and asked if we should meet on Wednesday.

They have two hours to decide.

James (the seemingly aggressive James)

My wife's lawyer

Sucks.

I just had to file a massive statement in response to a fishing expedition asking broad swaths of information from me.

It troubles me as my lwayers haven't asked for 1/10th of what they have asked from us. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I didn't go to Law School; I didn't pass the bar; I'm not a divorce attorney and most importantly -- they are just playing a game between themselves.

Jerks.

Shamanic Healer

I met with a shamanic healer yesterday -- want to cover all the bases. We spent a good session working with energy levels and she had some remarkable insights as to my situation.

- I failed to see what good I had created - My wife had a crazy childhood with lots of instability. The home that we created had lots of stability and was a solid environment for her. In a way, it allowed her to build an emotional base -- sadly one that she then felt strong enough to build her new life upon.

- I needed to let go in a supported environment - it sounds all woo-woo, but she was able to let me see the good that had done and that my allegiances were still pure. It was good for me to hear articulated by another.

We did all the things that you could imagine a native shaman would do - oils, crystals, rattles, drums, feathers, aura cleansing and the like.

I slept well today and will take a salt and clay bath tonight to further detoxify.

Like I said, it all may be woo-woo, but better to leave no stones unturned in dealing with my emotional stability.

James

E-mail from a reader - Thanks, Lucas

I found it comforting.
----------------------------------------
A lot of betrayed spouses, myself included, go into panic mode when they first discover the Affair. Even if you were only lukewarm about your wayward spouse before discovery day, when it happens, you find yourself gripped with fear that you may lose this person.

It's only natural when you perceive such a threat to panic, fight, beg, negotiate, compromise, even demean yourself in an effort to maintain your marriage.

When the wayward spouse is a cake-eater, fence sitter, or really just on the way out--this period of panic and desperation can go on for a long time.

BUT, there will come a time (maybe when wayward spouse decides to really try to reconcile or the two of you are divorcing) when the panic will subside and you will see clearly. You will see how hurtful and disrespectful your wayward spouse was.

You will see how poorly you were treated and how taken for granted you were. You will begin to get angry.

You will go from "please don't leave me, I'll do anything to make this work" to "how fucking dare you do this to me? who in the hell do you think you are?"

You will see that your wayward spouse -- the cheating, lying wayward spouse -- ain't all that. You will realize that you didn't deserve this. You deserved so much more.

That day is coming. I promise you. It won't come all at once. It will come and go, come and go and then it will become the predominant view: how fucking dare you!

Then you may have decisions to make about whether you can reconcile with wayward spouse after all. I mean once it becomes an option, you may realize that you're too good for this wayward spouse. I mean how can someone like that deserve someone like you?

So maybe you decide to reconcile. Maybe it's beyond reconcile and you move one. Whatever.

The point is that you will not always feel this desperate and needy. You will not always be willing to sell your soul for one more dance with the devil.

The day is coming when you will say: How fucking dare you?

I'm over 18 months from my disclosure day. Who knows if I'll ever reconcile for sure? Some days I could really care less. I mean I've been living separate for 18 months. Maybe I don't want to ever share my bed again. Maybe I'll keep my free time. Or maybe, he'll win me over.

But I'll never beg or plead again. He's the fuck up, not me. He betrayed ME! How fucking dare he.

I have changed my tune. I have come along way from lying in my bed, crying until I vomited, clutching the phone, praying for him to call.

You will change your tune too. You will journey a long way. You will regain control. You will realize that you have been wronged and it is the wayward spouse who should make amends.

The day is coming when you will say, "how fucking dare you."

Seriously, it really is.

Be very careful....

BY [DEFENSE]: ... Prior to Au-April 22nd, 2008 had you ever expressed or communicated in any way that you wanted your ex to die a slow painful death?

A I believe you're referring to my "My Space" ...

Q I'm not-I-no, I'm not referring to anything. I'm just asking you a simple question: if you'd ever expressed or communicated in any way that you wanted your ex-husband, Mr. Embry, to die a slow painful death?

A I see it right there on your desk.

Q Okay.

A It's my "My Space" blog.

Q Okay, did you say it?

A I typed it.

Q Okay. But the answer is, did you say it? I mean is that your communication.

A I typed it.

Q Okay. And did you ever express um, or communicate in any way that you wanted to be present and dance the cha-cha around his slow painful death?

A It's all there in the blog.

Q Okay. The answer's a simple yes or no. You said it; you've communicated it some way, did you?

A If you want to put that blog there, I ...

Q I'm just asking you a simple question.

BY COURT: Ma'am, will ya just answer the question yes or no?

A Yes, I did.

Q Did you ever refer to Mr. Embry or communicate in any way that he was a worthless bag of monkey shit?

A Yes.

Q Did you ever refer to him as dog piss?

A Yes.

Q Did you ever refer to him as a worm puke stale crusty moldy inhuman horrible human oxygen sucking moron?

A Yes.

Q Did you ever communicate the desire, that because he's older and more stupid than you, he will die way before you do?

A I believe I said please assure me that it was possible that he would pass before me."
___

The state's attorney redirects with this understated summary:

"BY [STATE]: Ms. Embry, is it fair-fair to say that you're not very fond of your former husband?

A No, I am not fond of him at all."

Frightened

I am scheduled for mediation with the gay wife on March 31st. I am frightened, yet have no reason to be. I suspect it is just my self-sabotauge kicking in. I have convinced myself that I will have to support her and her lover which is, of course, completely crazy.

Here are the things that are currently keeping me awake --

- How will I react to seeing her? I haven't spoken with her in close to 1 1/2 years. It's crazy, but the thought of seeing her unnerves me.

- Will she bring her partner to the hearing? How will I react to seeing the two of them together?

- Her lawyer fired me from my job of the last 10 years (we had a small business where she, her lover and I were all employed). As their passion for each other grew, it was hard for them to keep it a secret from me, so I was asked to work at home. Like a fool, I did so.

- How will I react. It is hard to "let go" and just know that the devine feminine (or whatever higher power you favor) will take care of me.

I have booked myself into a small bed and breakfast that is walking distance from the mediation location. I am trying to reduce the number of variables that could throw me off balance.

Why do wives have to change like this?

James

How Tone-Deaf is this President?

I mean really....

So, we're gonna jam a health care bill through just so we can claim victory? And so many people (myself included) are dying on the vine, blowing through our savings, just to prove a political point?

If they had the votes before, it would have already been done.

This country saddens me sometime.

Jobs, heard of them??

30 Things that Nobody Really Knows About Me (or would ever care about)

1. I am color blind.

2. I gained 25 pounds in the last two years. I'm not proud of this.

3. I have very low self-confidence, but at times am cocky.

4. I love to read, but haven't touched a "fun" book in about two years.

5. My sister, brother and mother are all alcoholics.

6. I think I'm different from everybody else.

7. I wouldn't think of wearing the same clothes for two days, but sometimes will only wash my sheets once a month.

8. I have Obstructive Sleep Apnea.

9. A homeless man once saved my life.

10. Within the past two years, I got 3 speeding tickets. Before that, my last traffic ticket was in the early 90's.

11. I failed to declare all of my earnings in 2000.

12. I quit drinking two year ago. I go to AA and Alanon meetings regularly, but in my heart of hearts, I don't really believe that I'm an alcoholic.

13. Sometimes, I think having gay male friends is "safer" than having straight friends of both sexes.

14. I like to be in bed early.

15. I like mornings.

16. I cannot stand heat.

17. I will make unhealthy food choices even though I like the healthier alternative.

18. Once, I seriously thought that committing suicide was the right thing to do.

19. Part of me loves woo-woo crap even though I know it can be a complete crock.

20. I like dogs and tolerate cats.

21. I love to get lost and usually find unique places that way.

22. I worked in an office for a woman who lived an alternative lifestyle. She used to put me in embarrassing situations and never paid me a cent. I left after three months.

23. I know that I am a good friend.

24. At times, when criticized, I get very defensive.

25. I take anti-depressant medication and see a psychiatrist monthly.

26. I like attractive people, though I do not think that I am attractive.

27. I hate conflict.

28. I don't really care for professional sports.

29. I get too caught up in work and sometimes fail to see it with the right balance and perspective.

30. I think what I do is important when it really isn't.

Understanding....

I seem to be the repository (happily so) of articles addressing issues of people who are trying to put their lives together after a significant betrayal. This is written from the male betrayer's perspective, but the feelings and issues are still the same.

And the underlying thread - that honesty has to be in the relationship - is most true. Without honesty and empathy, there can be no reconciliation.
----------
Understanding ...
Why is the betrayer willing to throw their marriage & family away?
July 26, 2009 - by Brian Bercht

The reason why I am healed today, the reason why I am no longer stuck, is that I get it. I get it how my husband could love me and still end up having an affair. - Anne Bercht

The question I am often asked is "Why were you willing to throw away your marriage and family, of 18 years, away for the other woman?" or "Why were you willing to risk everything you had for this other person?"

Like most of the questions that we, as the unfaithful, are asked, the answer is not a simple one, but rather a culmination of many factors that need to be looked at collectively. If this is not done, there is a level of contempt held by the betrayed spouse towards the unfaithful, as well as a level of inferiority held by the unfaithful towards one's self. It will be much more difficult for healing to take place in this environment.

Here are six factors that play out in many people's situations that will give an understanding into answering these questions. The factors are given in a chronological sequence, but they don't always follow in order.

1. We didn't believe that the affair would ever get this far. We thought we would be able to end the relationship at any time (it was not and would not be an affair); our involvement was not as serious as we thought.

2. We were not thinking about the consequences. We lived only in the moment and avoided thinking about the future. We didn't think this would be found out. We didn't allow our self to think about how our actions would affect those around us, we were only concerned with what is in it for me. Our fantasy did not include our reality.

3. We would enter our affair box. Many of us are able, for a period of time, to separate our fantasy (affair, emotional or sexual) life from our real everyday life. We are able, more so for men than women, to compartmentalize our two lives, and function adequately in both.

4. We do not want to face the pain, hurt, anger or disappointment. We do not want to face the anger or pain or hurt we will cause in our spouse. We do not want to deal with the pain of how we have acted out of character for our self. We do not want to face up to fact that we have disappointed our spouse, our children, our family, our friends, and our community around us and even disappointed the person we see in the mirror.

5. We hope the affair will end on it's own. There are many affairs that continue on for extended periods of time because even though one person knows that what they are doing is wrong and harmful to their marriage, they don't have the nerve, balls or courage to end it. We are expecting the other to do the 'right' thing. We hope that 'we' mutually decide to end it. We can't see that we are either using the other person or they are using us.

6. Emotions over rational thinking. The power of emotion, excitement and secrecy has a greater influence in a person's life than that of logic or rational thinking. The chemical reaction in our brains cloud out reason, sensibility, or sound judgment, thus hindering us from healthy, productive and sane decisions.

Finally, there are those who don't care about who, how or what their actions affect, they are those who are willing to give up on their own marriage just satisfy their selfish desires. These are the ones whom are not willing to reconcile their marriage or even look at why this happened. The above issues are not really applicable to those individuals.

To the betrayed spouse of the those who are taking responsibility for their actions, for those who are working on restoration, for those who are looking to bring healing into their marriage, and for those who still say they love you, I would like to say be thankful that you are married to an individual who has the courage and willingness to go through the work with you.

Much of what they tell you does not make sense, there is rarely any yes/no answers, they could be telling you the truth (usually after they feel safe) and likely they were not deliberately or consciously willing to throw away you, your marriage or your life for this other person, even though their actions could have (or did) caused that.

© Copyright 2009 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.

Being married to a lesbian....

Sucks. There is an incredible community of men who are dealing with the same thing that I dealt with -- that the person that you have come to know, love and count on has been replaced by a complete teenager.

Its as if the aliens have scooped out her brains and all that is left is the physical body of what was your wife, bu she is now acting on the dumbest impulses ever -- it's all about what she wants, when she wants it, which is immediate.

So sad to see a close friend lose it like that.

Good Advice Regarding Depression and Divorce

Of course, I read all kinds of stuff about divorce, affairs and depression. Since the stuff went down with my wife, I have had a hard time dealing with all of them. And, of course the inevitable crap about whether or not I will ever be able to open myself again to someone else. I sure hope so -- I'm not dead yet, I love women and think I still have a lot of life left in me! There is hope

Here is a pretty good post:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/03/12-depression-busters-for-divo-1.html

And if you're going through any of this stuff, it will get better (at least that's what I tell myself).

Best,

James

Married to a Lesbian

Sucks. This will be significantly expanded as I have a lot to say about this crippling development.

Unemployment

Sucks. That's about all the good I can say. I've been beating myself up to get a job, any job. I was offered a job at a salary below that that i made in my early 20's (i'm 49 with lots of experience) and I (foolishly) said no -

I'm kicking myself now.

I'm old school when it comes to the job search -- network, network, meet people, talk about your skills, network.

Now it's e-mail and submit your skills into some nameless, faceless, non-responsive system at most companies.

No feedback and pretty much never a response.

Hello World!

Hi, James here. I'm a late 40's guy, living and working in Northern North Dakota. I'm creating this blog as a place to vent my frustrations and to hopefully help others that are going through what I'm going through.

So, what am I going through?

• My wife has decided that she prefers to be with women and the 20 years that we spent together doesn't interest her as much as it used to!
• I lost my job. (see above)
• Getting divorced (see above)
• Dealing with depression and also with depression (see above)
• I decided that the most embarrassing thing that could happen wold be for me to call my wife while drunk, so I quit drinking (see above)
• And, I moved to a new area of the country...

Hopefully, I can help others on the long road. It's been an interesting journey and my experience may help others.

Best --

James